Fighting games are full of clichés when it comes to their characters. Every fighting game features a spiky-haired Japanese guy wearing a headband (Ryu, Akira). There is always a busty, scantily clad girl, who breathes a little too heavily and fights with a fan (Kitana, Mai). And then there’s my personal favourite cliché: the old, geriatric kung fu master.

Every fighting game has one. He’s the guy with grey hair, bad posture, comical facial expressions, and, if it’s a Japanese game, a questionable fixation for female high school students. He’ll normally fight with a cane, or a staff, or at least with a stick. And he usually will have taught or fathered about half the other characters in the game.

The “old guy” really is an essential component for any fighting game. But who is the toughest “old guy” of them all? Tekken’s Heihachi Mishima? Mortal Kombat’s Shang Tsung? Well, Killscreen Poetry decided to put these old codgers to the test, and answer that most pressing of questions: who would win if all these cliched geriatrics were thrown into the ring... together?

The Contenders:

Kliff
Guilty Gear

Kliff is certainly one bad-ass old guy. Not only is he built like a tank, with muscles the size of radioactive watermelons, but he wields a sword twice as big as himself. Supposedly he was involved in the crusades back in his day, but that’s hardly important. The important thing is that his sword is gigantic.

Positives: His sword.

Negatives: He’s technically dead. Unfortunately for Kliff, Guilty Gear's developer killed him off after the first game. I guess that’s a pretty big negative, really.






Raizo Imawano
Rival Schools

Raizo would have to be the strangest "old guy" to appear in a fighting game. This is because Rival Schools is set in a high school, and all the characters, except for him, are children. Still, the fact that Raizo is 40 years older than everyone else doesn't seem to bother him. He's the school's principal - and he beats up kids like a teacher from the Third Reich.

Positives: He clearly has no morals or conscience, making him one terrifying opponent. Particularly if you are a 13-year-old.

Negatives: Since he’s only ever fought children, it remains to be seen if he’d actually hold his own in a real fight.




Heihachi Mishima
Tekken

Heihachi is a beast of an old man. The 74-year-old has the physique a steroid-popping WWE wrestler. He is the father of fellow Tekken character Kazuya, grandfather of Jin, and adoptive father of Lee. He is also one nasty piece of work, and has tried to kill most of these offspring at one stage or another.

Positives: His hair.

Negatives: Heichachi actually made a cameo appearance in Anna Kournikova's Smash Court Tennis for the Playstation back in 1996. The thought of him holding a tennis racket and wearing tight white shorts kind of destroys the legend.




Jubei Yamada
Fatal Fury

Jubei looks like he is knocking on death's door. The judo master from the Fatal Fury series is seriously frail. But he does have some nasty throws in his fighting arsenal. He’s also the grandfather of at least two other characters in the game.

Positives: He keeps his judo outfit white and clean. So he’s not senile yet.

Negatives: He spends a little bit too much time in the Fatal Fury games getting up to this type of behaviour:

Jubei Yamada's ending in Fatal Fury Special

Shun Di
Virtua Fighter 2

Shun Di is a herbal doctor from China. He is also a crazy old wino who normally fights wasted. He uses the drunken style of boxing first made famous by Jackie Chan in the film, Drunken Master.

Positives: You can make him drink about 50 shots of dirty Chinese moonshine in one bout and his strength with actually increase. So he’s a resilient old coot.

Negatives: Considering how much booze this guy chugs down, it’s unlikely he will be around for much longer.






Gouken
Street Fighter

In the Street Fighter storyline, Gouken is the martial arts teacher of Ryu and Ken - who are probably the most legendary fighters in video game history. A pretty good pedigree huh? Well, unfortunately Gouken has never actually made an appearance in a Street Fighter game himself. The best he’s done is a brief appearance as an official Capcom action figure (pictured).

Positives: He trained Ryu and Ken – so he might be the ultimate martial arts master in the world.

Negatives: There’s an old saying: “Those who can - do. Those who can’t - teach”. Seeing as Gouken has actually never fought anyone, there is a strong possibility he's not very good. Maybe he is just a master of writing martial arts "how to" guides, but not that good at practicing them. Remember, Bruce Lee wrote his kung fu book when he was paralysed. It’s not that hard.




Shang Tsung
Mortal Kombat

Shang Tsung is by far the oldest of the “old guys”. His specific age is unknown, but he has been around for at least 1000 years, give or take a few days. He is a sorcerer, a demon, a shape shifter, and he shoots flaming skulls from his bare hands. Not bad for a retiree.

Positives: Shang Tsung can morph into anyone in the Mortal Kombat universe, making him the T-1000 of the MK series. If he wanted to, he could also play hilarious morphing pranks on other characters - much like the frat guys did in that stupid film Sorority Boys.

Negatives: He can get a bit sensitive about his age. In both MK2 and MK3 he seems to dye his hair black. You would think a demon would not care about such trivial matters:

Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat 3

...and the winner is?

Well, it's not much of a competition is it? Most of these old bastards are either drunks or child abusers. I guess the ultimate battle would probably have to come down to Heihachi Mishima and Shang Tsung. Between them, they have appeared in a total of 18 fighting games, making them the most experienced of the lot.

But who would win? Personally, I would put my money on Shang Tsung. Not only is the man possibly the devil himself, but if things got really hairy, he could always just morph into Heihachi and kill him with his own lightening fists.

Plus if Shang Tsung wins, the match would probably end in a fatality. Which is always nice to show the kiddies.

There's no point in denying it: killing things in video games is cool. Gamers know it. Game developers know it. That's why so much creative energy is put into designing the most spectacular, ridiculous and gruesome death scenes possible.

But all this death in video games is getting a little clichéd. Guns, explosions, decapitations... sure they are fun, but we've seen it all before. How many times have you witnessed a zombie's head explode from a sawn-off shotgun blast, only to see his headless body move three steps forward and collapse? Too many times, I'm afraid.

This list was created to honour those games that do something a little different. Not necessarily the bloodiest deaths. Not necessarily the most creative deaths. Just the weirdest deaths ever seen in video games...

No.7 - Wonder Boy
Death by Rock

Starting off our list is the 1986 Sega platformer, Wonder Boy. In this game, you play a slightly camp looking Tony Hawk wannabe who is off to rescue his girlfriend (what else could an 80's game hero possibly be doing?). Over the course of your adventure, you come across all manner of beasts and nasties. But one of your first challenges, at the very start of the game, is this:

Yes, it's a rock. Not even a very large rock either. Just a small, stationary, inanimate pebble. But don't get cocky now. This rock can kill. Observe:

Wonder Boy approaches the rock.

The rock kills Wonder Boy.

It's certainly a strange death. At least to the naked eye, the rock seems to stay completely stationary. All Wonder Boy does is touch it. But something more must be going on, as this rock is one relentless killing machine.

Either that, or this rock is the lamest and most uncreative "baddie" to ever appear in a video game.

No.6 - Leisure Suit Larry
Death by STD

Leisure Suit Larry is another 1986 classic, but of a very different gaming ilk. As Larry, you play a sleazy virgin dude who just wants to get his rocks off. But living the life of a pick-up stud isn't all fun and games. If you don't play it safe, you can end up with some nasty downstairs surprises. Observe:

Larry approaches a dirty, diseased, and quite pixellated prostitute.

The two get down to business, but Larry can't shake the feeling that he's forgotten something very important.

Larry wakes up like this.

What Larry has just done is have sex with a prostitute without using a condom. His punishment is an unnamed STD that makes his crotch flash bright colours. As the text on the screen happily informs you: "It appears the hooker gave you a little more than you bargained for!".

Larry dies about five seconds later.

This death makes the weird list simply because it's a bit too realistic for a video game. Sure, the death occurs in seconds, and features flashing bright green private parts, but it's still a way we could all get into trouble.

This "safe sex" warning is also a very strange safety message for a game. How many racers do you see encouraging seatbelts? How many shooters feature guns with safety switches? How many beat 'em ups warn you about the dangers of eating food that has been lying on a dirty street?

Who would have thought Leisure Suit Larry would have had a redeeming moral message.

No.5 - The Sims
Death by Starvation

This death is possibly the most evil and degrading death scene ever created. The Sims is supposed to be a family game. You feed, clothe and entertain people... and do other boring, girly stuff like that.

But if you feel the need, it's also possible to murder your sims in the cruelest of ways: by starvation.

To do this, you need to place one of your sims inside an empty room, and then remove the door. You then sit back, relax, and watch the slow and morbid process of human disintegration take place right before your eyes.

Your sim will squirm in agony, plead for help, and will probably even pee himself. Eventually he will clutch his stomach, beg one last time for your mercy, and then die in a most horrible fashion:


The entire dying process takes about four days. And to think The Sims is one of the highest selling, "family friendly" games out there. Makes Postal look like a little-girl's tea party.

No.4 - Theme Park
Death by Rollercoaster

Theme Park is also supposed to be a light-hearted, family-friendly game. It's about building a theme park and making little children happy. Or so you thought...

But it's also possible to kill the kids at your park. The first step is to build a stupidly dangerous rollercoaster - one that would make even Evil Kinevel shit his pants (yes, even after he's dead). A rollercoaster with at least six dangerous drops like this should do:


If everything is done correctly, then the kids on your rollercoaster will just fly off into the air, never be seen again. Like this poor chap:


What makes this death even more bizarre is that your rollercoaster carriages will return to the start of the track with no passengers, and yet no-one seems to care. The kids will still queue to get on, oblivious to the fact they are only minutes away from death.

Weird serial killers should take note of this: you could easily kill thousands of kids a year using this practice.

A little disturbing hey? Actually, come to think of it, both Theme Park and The Sims were made by Electronic Arts. There seems to be a pattern emerging here.

No.3 - Mortal Kombat Trilogy
Death by Brutality

Mortal Kombat has a well-earned reputation for pushing the boundaries of creativity when it comes to killing people. The series has a lot to offer: fatalities, friendships, babalities, animalities… but one death takes the cake: MKT's brutality.

This death requires a 10 hit button combination. The result is that your opponent explodes with a pink burst of blood. Doesn't sound that strange? Well, the weirdness is not in the manner of death, but what comes after it: an explosion of gore that often includes three skulls, four rib cages, and at least twelve limbs. Just check out this carnage:


One man cannot produce that many bones. Not even a Siamese twin could produce that many bones. I guess that's why the brutality is so brutal - it's death at its most physically impossible (to see the brutality in action, click here).

No.2 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Death by Purple Dildo

This death really needs no explanation. In GTA: San Andreas, you can kill people using this 12-incher as a weapon:


It's weird. What more can I say?

No.1 - Space Quest III
Death by... Sharp Metal Sheet?

And so we reach the weirdest death to ever appear in a video game. The honours go to the 1989 text-based adventure, Space Quest III. The weird thing about this death is that it literally makes no sense whatsoever. And for that reason, it's legendary.

The game starts off with the main character emerging from a crashed space ship. To the right of screen lies a grey metal sheet. There doesn't seem to be much else for your character to do, so most players will initially go and examine the strange metal sheet. But then this happens:




Confused? So is everybody else who has ever played this game. The following text appears on the screen soon after you die to offer some kind of explanation: "It's obvious that the metal sheet was sharper than you".

Well, that's certainly open to debate. To me, the sheet looks quite blunt really. What's more, your character never even touches it. And the sheet somehow manages to cut you in the stomach, almost slicing you in half, without even moving.

What kind of crazy, psychotic metal sheet is this? It remains one of gaming's biggest mysteries.

It's also a weird, weird, weird way to die. And a weird death that is hard to top.

Sordid sex stories are the bread and butter of entertainment journalism. It’s what celebrity tabloids thrive on.

In videogames, however, sex controversies don’t seem to pop up that much. Aside from your occasional hot coffee debate, there really isn’t much going on out there. It's assumed most game players don’t have girlfriends (if they did, why would they be up all night questioning the sexuality of “newbie” players in Counterstrike?) and so the topic is rarely written about...

Until now. Killscreen Poetry, being the sordid publication that it is, has decided to lift the lid on what is possibly the biggest sex controversy to ever hit the MMORPG world.

According to gamers on this forum, the developers of Age of Conan, an online MMORPG, recently decided to place limits on the size of its female characters’ breasts. That’s right. LIMITS (I can already hear 14-year-old male readers groan in hormonal anger).

Until a couple of days ago, Age of Conan players allegedly had the ability – some are now terming it the “right” – to select the breast size of their female avatars. This ranged from small sizes, to the stupidly huge, Dead or Alive sizes of endowment I like to call “boobage elephantitis”.

As of a few days ago, however, players can now only select a small, some would say “more realistic”, breast size.

Follow these links to see the alleged evidence: before and after shots.

Suffice to say, it has sent the Age of Conan forums aflame with controversy. Some players are calling it an outrage. Some are even threatening to quit the game altogether – and, I assume, join MMORPGs where a players’ need for female characters with back-breaking frontage is respected.

It’s shaping up to be the biggest controversy the video game world has seen since the Night Trap Senate enquiry. Hell, it could even possibly trump the Monica Lewinsky scandal if it gets enough momentum.

Of course, most of the angry gamers have glossed over the fact that it’s only male players, with female avatars, who seem to be complaining – raising a number of concerning and gender bending questions.

It also seems that, from most reports, the original breast size of Age of Conan’s female characters didn’t even fit into their armour, so a reduction was probably necessary.

Still, the changes now mean that any single, lonely Age of Conan player, who’s just burned through an 18 hour marathon session, and is all jittery and crazy from HP-PTSD (hit point post traumatic stress disorder), and the only thing he needs to recover is just a quick glimpse of a poorly rendered female Elf character with a size 84F cup.... well, he isn’t going to have that opportunity anymore.

And, readers, such an image just tugs on the heartstrings a little too much. Bring on a petition I say. Let’s fight this.