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Battle of the fighting game geriatrics
Fighting games are full of clichés when it comes to their characters. Every fighting game features a spiky-haired Japanese guy wearing a headband (Ryu, Akira). There is always a busty, scantily clad girl, who breathes a little too heavily and fights with a fan (Kitana, Mai). And then there’s my personal favourite cliché: the old, geriatric kung fu master.
Every fighting game has one. He’s the guy with grey hair, bad posture, comical facial expressions, and, if it’s a Japanese game, a questionable fixation for female high school students. He’ll normally fight with a cane, or a staff, or at least with a stick. And he usually will have taught or fathered about half the other characters in the game.
The “old guy” really is an essential component for any fighting game. But who is the toughest “old guy” of them all? Tekken’s Heihachi Mishima? Mortal Kombat’s Shang Tsung? Well, Killscreen Poetry decided to put these old codgers to the test, and answer that most pressing of questions: who would win if all these cliched geriatrics were thrown into the ring... together?The Contenders:
Kliff
Guilty Gear
Kliff is certainly one bad-ass old guy. Not only is he built like a tank, with muscles the size of radioactive watermelons, but he wields a sword twice as big as himself. Supposedly he was involved in the crusades back in his day, but that’s hardly important. The important thing is that his sword is gigantic.
Positives: His sword.
Negatives: He’s technically dead. Unfortunately for Kliff, Guilty Gear's developer killed him off after the first game. I guess that’s a pretty big negative, really.
Raizo Imawano
Rival Schools
Raizo would have to be the strangest "old guy" to appear in a fighting game. This is because Rival Schools is set in a high school, and all the characters, except for him, are children. Still, the fact that Raizo is 40 years older than everyone else doesn't seem to bother him. He's the school's principal - and he beats up kids like a teacher from the Third Reich.
Positives: He clearly has no morals or conscience, making him one terrifying opponent. Particularly if you are a 13-year-old.
Negatives: Since he’s only ever fought children, it remains to be seen if he’d actually hold his own in a real fight.
Heihachi Mishima
Tekken
Heihachi is a beast of an old man. The 74-year-old has the physique a steroid-popping WWE wrestler. He is the father of fellow Tekken character Kazuya, grandfather of Jin, and adoptive father of Lee. He is also one nasty piece of work, and has tried to kill most of these offspring at one stage or another.
Positives: His hair.
Negatives: Heichachi actually made a cameo appearance in Anna Kournikova's Smash Court Tennis for the Playstation back in 1996. The thought of him holding a tennis racket and wearing tight white shorts kind of destroys the legend.
Jubei Yamada
Fatal Fury
Jubei looks like he is knocking on death's door. The judo master from the Fatal Fury series is seriously frail. But he does have some nasty throws in his fighting arsenal. He’s also the grandfather of at least two other characters in the game.
Positives: He keeps his judo outfit white and clean. So he’s not senile yet.
Negatives: He spends a little bit too much time in the Fatal Fury games getting up to this type of behaviour:
Yubei Yamada's ending in Fatal Fury Special
Shun Di
Virtua Fighter 2
Shun Di is a herbal doctor from China. He is also a crazy old wino who normally fights wasted. He uses the drunken style of boxing first made famous by Jackie Chan in the film, Drunken Master.
Positives: You can make him drink about 50 shots of dirty Chinese moonshine in one bout and his strength with actually increase. So he’s a resilient old coot.
Negatives: Considering how much booze this guy chugs down, it’s unlikely he will be around for much longer.
Gouken
Street Fighter
In the Street Fighter storyline, Gouken is the martial arts teacher of Ryu and Ken - who are probably the most legendary fighters in video game history. A pretty good pedigree huh? Well, unfortunately Gouken has never actually made an appearance in a Street Fighter game himself. The best he’s done is a brief appearance as an official Capcom action figure (pictured).
Positives: He trained Ryu and Ken – so he might be the ultimate martial arts master in the world.
Negatives: There’s an old saying: “Those who can - do. Those who can’t - teach”. Seeing as Gouken has actually never fought anyone, there is a strong possibility he's not very good. Maybe he is just a master of writing martial arts "how to" guides, but not that good at practicing them. Remember, Bruce Lee wrote his kung fu book when he was paralysed. It’s not that hard.
Shang Tsung
Mortal Kombat
Shang Tsung is by far the oldest of the “old guys”. His specific age is unknown, but he has been around for at least 1000 years, give or take a few days. He is a sorcerer, a demon, a shape shifter, and he shoots flaming skulls from his bare hands. Not bad for a retiree.
Positives: Shang Tsung can morph into anyone in the Mortal Kombat universe, making him the T-1000 of the MK series. If he wanted to, he could also play hilarious morphing pranks on other characters - much like the frat guys did in that stupid film Sorority Boys.
Negatives: He can get a bit sensitive about his age. In both MK2 and MK3 he seems to dye his hair black. You would think a demon would not care about such trivial matters:
Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat 3...and the winner is?
Well, it's not much of a competition is it? Most of these old bastards are either drunks or child abusers. I guess the ultimate battle would probably have to come down to Heihachi Mishima and Shang Tsung. Between them, they have appeared in a total of 18 fighting games, making them the most experienced of the lot.
But who would win? Personally, I would put my money on Shang Tsung. Not only is the man possibly the devil himself, but if things got really hairy, he could always just morph into Heihachi and kill him with his own lightening fists.
Plus if Shang Tsung wins, the match would probably end in a fatality. Which is always nice to show the kiddies.
6 comments:
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Glad that you dig the geriatics!! This old codger thinks that Tekken's Heihachi Mishima would win - am I on task?
Geriatric from SA!
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Forgot to mention why Heihachi Mishima Tekken should win - the thought of him holding a tennis racket and wearing tight white shorts does it for me!
Geriatric from SA
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Heihachi wins it for me. Or the drunk guy from Virtua Fighter - Shang Tsung blows chunks - So what if he can change form? The fact that he can only turn into exisiting objects blows. He's not an innovator - he's like the Kanye West of the old man fighting world. Make your own Goddamn moves Mr Tsung!!!
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abaddon - you're probably right. Tsung does look much younger from MK2 onwards.
As for Heihachi, he may be able to beat the hell out of Anna Kournikova on the tennis court, but really, who couldn't. She's all grand and no slam. The real question is: could Heihachi match Tsung's 200+ moves? (accounting for all the MK games) I think not.
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Heihachi Mishima all the way. Isn't he the Boss of a couple Tekken games? His hair alone (which was erroneously named as a deficit) would cinch a victory.
I would swear I recall that S.Tsung becomes younger since MK2 onwards by intervention of Shao Kahn.
Oh...nevermind.