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Download Daggerfall for free. Hopefully it's bug free too.
It turns out this year is the 15th anniversary of Bethesda Software’s Elder Scrolls series. Who knew? Spanning four games, the franchise is probably best known for its most recent additions: Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (2002) and Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (2006).
But the game had its origins back in the mid 1990s, and to celebrate those humble beginnings, Bethesda is giving away Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall (1996) for free on its website. Yes that’s right: free. Not peer-to-peer free. Legit free.
For those of you who missed Daggerfall when it was first released, it was a game of flawed brilliance. It featured one of the largest playing areas ever created, allegedly the size of Great Britain. I never actually tested this claim out myself, by running from one side of the Daggerfall world to the other, but trust me: the game was big.
Unfortunately, however, Daggerfall will probably be best remembered for its bugs. It was one of the most buggy, poorly beta-tested PC games to ever hit the shelves... leaving countless frustrated RPG gamers in its wake.
Bethesda tried its best to rectify the situation. The company released countless patches in the hope of making Daggerfall playable. But, this being 1996 and all, not many people had the internet... so most gamers couldn’t download the patches anyway.
Instead, committed gamers played the game – bugs and all – and gave it the nickname “Buggerfall”.
Every other gaming website seems to be using this anniversary to honour Daggerfall’s brilliance. I thought it might be a good time to instead honour all those goddam bugs... because really, that's what I remember.The Supidest, Most-Ridiculous Daggerfall Bugs
Bug #1: When you first created your Daggerfall character, occasionally he would start the game with -1000 hit points. You would literally have to rest your character for weeks before you could even start playing.
Bug #2: The game would crash randomly. And often. The solution was to save before you did anything. About every 5 minutes seemed to help.
Bug #3: Supposedly the game’s likelihood of crashing was directly related to how many items you carried. The more items in your inventory, the greater the chance of a crash.
Bug #4: The game would also crash in direct proportion to how many quests you accepted. So if you were greedy with your quests, you would pay the price.
Bug #5: When you had a bow equipped, monsters would often equip the exact same bow. Even if that bow had special powers (for instance, even if it killed with a single arrow). The lesson? Never equip a bow.
Bug #6: Arrows could shoot through walls and doors. More reason not to equip a bow.
Bug #7: If you wanted to steal items from a store, all you needed to do was walk into a shop, wait until nightfall, and then save your game. The shopkeeper would strangely disappear, and you could help yourself to anything for free.
Bug #8: You would often fall through random holes in dungeon floors. “Often” as in every dungeon... more than once.
Bug #9: The worst bug of all. The game was actually released with a bug stopping you from completing the main plotline. The game would always crash when you reached a certain point (I can’t remember the exact point, but according to this old review – it was when you avenged Lysandus’ killer).
These bugs are just the tip of the iceberg. If you want a complete rundown, have a look at here or here or here.
If, after all that, you actually want to download and play this game, go to Bethesda’s website.
Posted 07/10/2009 by ShaolinCowboy.
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Donkey Kong Easter egg found. And it’s lame.
A committed gamer has found a hidden Easter egg in the Atari version of Donkey Kong... 26 years after the game’s release. The gamer, Don Hodges, says he had to scan all 25,000 lines of the game’s code. Eventually, he stumbled upon this exciting little gem.
What’s that? Can’t see it? Look closer. It’s the letters “LMD” located at the bottom of the screen. These are the initials of the game’s Atari programmer Landon Dyer.
Admittedly, the Easter egg is a pretty disappointing find. And it’s insanely difficult to trigger. But the egg has been hidden for almost three decades... making it the Tutankhamun of video gaming discoveries.
For his efforts, Don Hodges received a $75 reward from Digital Press.
If you want to find the incredible capital letters for yourself, this is how you do it (courtesy of Don Hodge’s blog):
1. Play a game and get a score of 33,000 through 33,900. This score must become the new high score.
2. Kill off all of your remaining lives. However, your last life must be killed off by falling too far - by walking or jumping off a girder that is too high to land safely. If the last life is killed any other way, the egg will not appear.
3. Set the game difficulty to 4 by pressing the Option button 3 times. The icon for this difficulty is a firefox.
4. Wait a few minutes, and the demo screen where Kong jumps across the screen will appear.
5. The title screen will then appear, and Landon Dyer's initials [LMD] will be at the bottom center of the screen.
So... piece of cake, right?
Digital Press is offering more rewards for other long lost Easter eggs... if you're bored on a rainy Sunday afternoon and happen to have a degree in computer programming.
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Metal Slug 7? More like Metal Slug version 1.7
Back in 1996, arcade gamers were dazzled by the release of the chaotic shooter Metal Slug. Featuring super-quick gameplay, a comical graphical style, and far too much blood for a platformer, Metal Slug generated legions of fans. Indeed, the original Metal Slug featured such an addictive co-operative mode, and was so stupidly difficult, that it sent many shooting fans bankrupt... even at the bargain basement price of only $1 per play.
Fast forward 12 years, and the Metal Slug series returns with its seventh instalment... this time on the Nintendo DS. This game won't hit Western shelves until November 18, but it's already generating a fair bit of hype among our gaming press, and even more fervour on the less reputable, but far more hilarious, internet message boards.
But just like an uncaring parent who tells their child that Santa Clause doesn't exist the day before Christmas, KillScreen Poetry is here to ruin the hype. Why? Because, unfortunately, Metal Slug 7.... well, sucks.
I recently got my grubby, amoral hands on the Japanese version of the game, and I have to say, it was disappointing.
To be more specific, it's a boring, unimaginative, and repetitive clone of the 1996 original. It features the same characters, same animations, same game play, same sound effects, same fonts, same nonsensical plot, same strange emphasis upon rescuing half-naked "POWs", and the same choice of weapons (admittedly cool weapons... but the same, nonetheless).
What does Metal Slug 7 have that is new? Well, supposedly there are seven "brand new" levels. But really, when everything else looks the same, changing the background texture of a map and slapping a "brand new" tag on it doesn’t really work.
The only things that make Metal Slug 7 different from the rest of the series are the features it doesn't include. For instance, there's no co-op mode. There's no donkey or elephant vehicles. And there's no zombies. Yes I repeat: no zombies.
Why SNK has decided to make everything else in the game the same, but leave out the best staples, is a difficult question to answer.
Of course, the identical nature of this game isn't just a problem for Metal Slug 7. Any follower of the series will be aware that, with slight exceptions, every Metal Slug borders on being the exact same experience. And that's certainly a problem.
But the far bigger problem for Metal Slug 7 is that, unlike its six predecessors, it's being released at the tail end of 2008... a full 12 years since the original title first graced arcades with its presence. And like other games released in 1996 (think Quake or Crash Bandicoot or Destruction Derby 2), the fun and chaos of the Metal Slug franchise is well and truly past its use-by-date.
Indeed, the thought of spending $50 on a DS game that is largely identical to six other instalments you can download on MAME, or buy in a handy anthology version for the PS2, is not only a silly marketing decision by SNK, it underestimates the intelligence of gamers.
What I would like to know is just how much money SNK has milked off the original R&D of Metal Slug over all these years. The game engine must be the most overused and rarely-updated engine in history. Even the EA Sports titles feature more significant developments in their yearly updates. Hell, even the Smackdown vs RAW series features slight discrepancies between their titles... like updated wrestler haircuts.
The rest of the world has moved on SNK. It's time you did too.
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Beats that go “Beep”: The Top 10 Electronic Musicians Influenced by Video Games
People who play video games and people who produce electronic music have a lot in common. Both spend ridiculous amounts of time in front of their computers, both fiddle endlessly with customisations and upgrades, and both have an unfortunate appetite for coffee, energy drinks and illicit substances... largely so they can stay awake all night and make their eyes bleed.
The only real difference between the two is that electronic music artists tend to pick-up more girls and know slightly less about the magic powers of dark elves.
With so many similarities though it should come as little surprise to learn that many of the world's best electronic music artists are also keen game players. Some of them take this hobby one step further, and even incorporate game noises into their music.
It’s a musical influence that’s slowly growing within certain parts of the electronic scene. And it’s also something that hasn’t received much attention. So Killscreen Poetry decided to compile a list of the top 10 electronic music artists who feature gaming sounds in their beats.
As with any "top 10", it's a subjective exercise and probably misses out on some talented musicians... but what the hell.
#10: Clouds
Dubstep / IDM
Finland
MySpace Page
Clouds is a duo of electronic producers from Finland. Their music is an ambient mixture of dub and slow-paced electronica, with lots of video game ‘beeps’ and ‘bleeps’ thrown in for good measure. In particular, check out their track Mighty Eyeball Rays - it reminds me a little of the theme song on the Super Mario Bros desert level.
#9: DJ Trip
Breaks / IDM
Australia
MySpace Page
Hailing from Adelaide, Australia, DJ Trip samples old-school videogame noises in many of his tracks. He was also involved in remixing the Ghouls n' Ghosts theme song a few years ago as part of a two-piece act, The New Pollutants. You can listen to it here.
#8: Quarta 330
Dubstep
Japan
MySpace Page
Now, this is some legit videogame music! Quarta 330 isn't so much influenced by videogame sounds - he makes videogame sounds. The Tokyo-based artist recently turned heads on the dubstep scene when he released a remix of Kode9's "11 Samurai" - except the whole track sounded like it had been filtered through a Commodore64 sound card. Only check him out if you seriously dig old-school videogame noise - his stuff sounds like the MIDI tracks of dial-up days.
#7: Venetian Snares
Jungle / Breakcore
Canada
MySpace Page
Venetian Snares is renowned for creating some seriously messed up beats. He also takes influences from everywhere – hip hop, dancehall, and of course, video games. Listen to tracks like “Kyokushin” or “Bebikukorica Nigiri” to hear some fast-paced gaming breakcore. It would provide the perfect backing track to a particularly intense session of Counterstrike... while also tripping out on acid.
#6: Boy 8-Bit
Techno
UK
MySpace Page
Boy 8-Bit is a London-based techno producer who's just starting to get noticed on the world stage. As his name suggests, he uses samples and takes musical influences from the glorious 8-bit era of video games. NES fans should get right into him - there's some familiar riffs in there. And because it's all clubby techno stuff, it's pretty accessible and not too nerdy either.
#5: Goth-Trad
Dubstep
Japan
MySpace Page
Another Tokyo-based dubstep producer, Goth-Trad uses videogame-influenced treble riffs over his intense, stomach-pounding bass lines. Definitely easier to listen to than his fellow Japanese brethren, Quarta 330. Check out the track “LAW” for a good example of what he can do.
#4: Squarepusher
IDM / Experimental
UK
MySpace Page
Seminal English producer Squarepusher has been cranking out creative beats for years. He’s not just influenced by videogames, but by jazz, breakcore, and drum and bass. He also probably incorporates the bleeps and dings of videogames more seamlessly into his music than anyone else. Check out the opening track of his latest album, Hello Everything, for a good example. If only real videogame music sounded this great!
#3: Del the Funky Homosapian
Hip Hop
US
MySpace Page
Del isn't exactly an electronic music artist. Rather, he's a hip-hop artist. But he deserves a special mention in this list because his songs include some inventive back-beats, and he raps a tune entirely about 32-bit gaming. Ever thought you'd hear references to Ninja Gaiden or Tenchu or Bushido Blade in a song? Neither did I until I heard "Proto Culture”. His music has also appeared in the soundtracks of countless games, including Tony Hawk and NBA 2K.
#2: Hot Chip
Indie
UK
MySpace Page
Hot Chip are renowned for their geeky brand of electro-rock. Their rise to fame is legendary: from a bunch of guys making nerdy beats in their basement, to a professional outfit travelling the world and regularly breaking into the UK top 50. Thank god, despite the fame, they haven’t forgotten their roots: one of which has got to be playing video games. Indeed, each new album by Hot Chip seems to incorporate ever more game synth and sound effects. Check out “Shake a Fist” for an example.
#1: Aphex Twin
IDM / Experimental
UK
MySpace Page
The master of creative, groundbreaking electronic music also happens to be the master of incorporating video game sounds into his beats. Much of Aphex Twin’s tracks feature gaming samples, but he’s particularly famous in the gaming community for releasing three high-quality remixes of classic 1980’s themes: Tetris, Super Mario Bros and PacMan. Check them all out!
Finally, I should also make special mention of a producer by the name of DJ Scotch Egg. While definitely not for everyone, his music combines video game noises with the most headache-causing of all electronic genres: happy hardcore. He doesn’t make my top 10 list because, well frankly, his music sounds like a NES-fuelled nightmare, where Kirby is screaming at you and Donkey Kong is eating you. But you might want to check him out... even if only to see how crazy gaming music can become.
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An Ode to Street Fighter IV
A few days ago, I discovered that a Street Fighter IV machine had been spotted in Australia. It just so happened that this machine was only a 10 minute walk away from my work. So I trudged down to Melbourne's Crown Casino last night to get my hands on the most hyped fighting game ever. This is what happened:
As I descended into the dark, cavernous cave that is the Casino’s arcade, I immediately spotted the glow of the Street Fighter IV machine. It wasn't hard - the game had attracted a large crowd of typical nerdy types. Most of them were male, most had bad haircuts, and a horrific smell of B.O. permeated the air like a high school gym.
At first I watched the game from the edge of the crowd, just to familiarise myself with the new style. It was certainly an impressive sight to behold: the graphics are an amazing blend of 2D cartoon with 3D fighter. The gameplay is blindingly fast. And the moves are brutal, creative and familiar.
As I continued to watch from the side, I noticed that one player was clearly better than the rest. He was playing as Chun Li, and was dominating challenger after pathetic challenger. Each round would see him knock off his opponent in record time, and then he'd beam with pride as Chun Li performed her victory pose (which, incidentally, is the same "ya ta!" pose as in Street Fighter 2, which means "yay!" in Japanese).
After I had heard my twelfth "ya ta", I decided it was time I stepped up to the plate. I put in my $2 and selected Ryu. The fight began.
I lost the first round in an instant. My left hand struggled to cope with the disgusting build-up of sweat that had formed around the joystick. I had forgotten what playing in arcades is like – it's not pretty, but rather an exercise in avoiding sweat, coke spills and broken buttons. I wiped my hands on my pants and started again. Round two.
This round went better. I was suddenly consumed with memories of playing Street Fighter 2. Memories of how to land that perfect hadouken. Memories of how to jump effectively. Memories of the absolute fear that Ryu can put into minds of other players when he gets even the slightest hint of momentum.
And so I won round two. And then I won round three. There was an audible “woah” from the crowd around me. The champion had been beaten... by a newbie.
Now I was the King. And so I started to accept new challengers. My first opponent was a kid who couldn't have been more than 10 years old. He smiled and said "hi" and reached up with his tiny hands to put $2 into the machine. I smiled back.
There were murmurs among the crowd about how cute this kid was. There was probably an expectation I'd go easy on him.
But I didn't buy into the jovial mood. I'd just smashed the 12-wins-in-a-row Chun Li champion on my first go. I wasn't going to ruin my inner-Ryu now. No, I'm afraid this kid was going down. I smashed the kid in record time, and landed a perfect victory in the second round. He moved away from the machine, clearly devastated. He'd just wasted what was probably a week’s worth of pocket money on 15 seconds of embarrassing failure.
After slaughtering the 10 year old, the crowd knew I meant business. There was no laughter now. They knew I was here to stay. I wasn't going anywhere without a serious fight.
After this, challenger after challenger came forward. All failed. After six straight victories, I was on top of the world.
But then a young man approached from the back of the crowd. Just like a boxer, he was wearing a hoodie. He put his coins into the machine, and then pulled down his hoodie to reveal a face of no more than 20 years of age. He didn't say a word.
Next to him stood a friend who spoke Mandarin really loudly. Clearly his friend – his coach – was giving this silent man tips on how to tackle me, but I couldn't understand a word.
Then, the coach made an erratic motion with his hands. It was almost as if he was firing a hadouken at the screen. Then it hit me: these guys were going to attack me at my own game. He was telling the silent man to pick my character – to pick Ryu.
What followed was a truly epic battle. Each round was drawn out and went to the wire. There were special attacks, counters, and amazing feats of joystick acrobatics.
But, in the end, I was beaten. The "you lose" message flashed across my screen in humiliating colours. I trudged off to the back of the crowd, short-of-breath.
As I watched the silent man rack up victories and bask in his own glory, I realised what had just happened. This was 1991 all over again. This was just like when Street Fighter 2 was released.
Back then, the crowds were just as big. The sweaty odour was just as intense. There were heroes, there were losers. In fact, I remember being that exact same 10-year-old kid, and stepping up to play against people I shouldn't, and then still going back for more.
A guy next to me, obviously doped-up on fizzy drink, interrupted my thoughts: "Man, this game is fucking awesome hey. I've just spent $20 and I went back to get more coins! It’s so sweet! The arcade is back!".
And I guess he's right: it’s 2008 and thanks to Street Fighter IV, the arcade is back. Time to roll on that deodorant.
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MadWorld for the Wii: Here Comes Controversy
The upcoming Sega beat 'em up, MadWorld, is already generating plenty of controversy. It's still at least six months away from an official release, but Britain's Daily Mail has already started drumming up public hysteria over the game's "unsavoury" themes.
MadWorld is a third-person beat 'em up for the Wii. It's also, possibly, one of the most violent games ever created. In fact, it's so violent that the Japanese developer, Platinum Games, openly admits that it doesn't think the game will get a release in Japan. Instead, they're aiming for the Western market - with its higher appreciation for games with blood, guts and gore.
Not much is known about the game apart from a couple of trailers, which show some pretty ridiculous and horrifying images. For instance, you can slice people up with a chainsaw, rip out their hearts, and use a street sign to impale their foreheads.
But the most striking feature of the game is the colour scheme. Much like the film Sin City, everything is black and white.... except for the bright red blood that gushes across the screen.
As Platinum Games explains on its website, "we decided the best way to convey blood, and thus brutality, was against this black and white backdrop". They go on to mention the themes of MadWorld revolve around "brutality and exhilaration".
MadWorld certainly looks stylish. And fun. And even hilarious... in a morbid, uncomfortable way. But the question remains: will this game ever see the light of day?
A Japanese release has already been ruled out. And there's no way this game will be approved in strict censorship countries like Australia. That leaves the United States and some European countries. And while most of these places allow the release of "adult only" games, there's always the risk that with enough public outrage, the game could be banned, or at the very least, altered.
And because MadWorld is slated for a release on the family-friendly Wii, the chances of this occurring seem highly likely. The Wii is supposed to be a console that the whole family can enjoy - including your grandparents... if this Wii TV advertisement is to be believed:
So how does a post-apocalyptic video game about jamming metal poles through people's skulls, and then throwing them headfirst at a "human dart board", fit into this rosy, Nintendo-coloured view of the world?
At the moment, Nintendo says it's backing the game, stating "the game is not made by Nintendo but by Sega". Still, I couldn't imagine Miyamoto would be too impressed with this release.
It will certainly be an interesting ride come early 2009. Expect some serious parental group fireworks.
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Battle of the fighting game geriatrics
Fighting games are full of clichés when it comes to their characters. Every fighting game features a spiky-haired Japanese guy wearing a headband (Ryu, Akira). There is always a busty, scantily clad girl, who breathes a little too heavily and fights with a fan (Kitana, Mai). And then there’s my personal favourite cliché: the old, geriatric kung fu master.
Every fighting game has one. He’s the guy with grey hair, bad posture, comical facial expressions, and, if it’s a Japanese game, a questionable fixation for female high school students. He’ll normally fight with a cane, or a staff, or at least with a stick. And he usually will have taught or fathered about half the other characters in the game.
The “old guy” really is an essential component for any fighting game. But who is the toughest “old guy” of them all? Tekken’s Heihachi Mishima? Mortal Kombat’s Shang Tsung? Well, Killscreen Poetry decided to put these old codgers to the test, and answer that most pressing of questions: who would win if all these cliched geriatrics were thrown into the ring... together?The Contenders:
Kliff
Guilty Gear
Kliff is certainly one bad-ass old guy. Not only is he built like a tank, with muscles the size of radioactive watermelons, but he wields a sword twice as big as himself. Supposedly he was involved in the crusades back in his day, but that’s hardly important. The important thing is that his sword is gigantic.
Positives: His sword.
Negatives: He’s technically dead. Unfortunately for Kliff, Guilty Gear's developer killed him off after the first game. I guess that’s a pretty big negative, really.
Raizo Imawano
Rival Schools
Raizo would have to be the strangest "old guy" to appear in a fighting game. This is because Rival Schools is set in a high school, and all the characters, except for him, are children. Still, the fact that Raizo is 40 years older than everyone else doesn't seem to bother him. He's the school's principal - and he beats up kids like a teacher from the Third Reich.
Positives: He clearly has no morals or conscience, making him one terrifying opponent. Particularly if you are a 13-year-old.
Negatives: Since he’s only ever fought children, it remains to be seen if he’d actually hold his own in a real fight.
Heihachi Mishima
Tekken
Heihachi is a beast of an old man. The 74-year-old has the physique a steroid-popping WWE wrestler. He is the father of fellow Tekken character Kazuya, grandfather of Jin, and adoptive father of Lee. He is also one nasty piece of work, and has tried to kill most of these offspring at one stage or another.
Positives: His hair.
Negatives: Heichachi actually made a cameo appearance in Anna Kournikova's Smash Court Tennis for the Playstation back in 1996. The thought of him holding a tennis racket and wearing tight white shorts kind of destroys the legend.
Jubei Yamada
Fatal Fury
Jubei looks like he is knocking on death's door. The judo master from the Fatal Fury series is seriously frail. But he does have some nasty throws in his fighting arsenal. He’s also the grandfather of at least two other characters in the game.
Positives: He keeps his judo outfit white and clean. So he’s not senile yet.
Negatives: He spends a little bit too much time in the Fatal Fury games getting up to this type of behaviour:
Yubei Yamada's ending in Fatal Fury Special
Shun Di
Virtua Fighter 2
Shun Di is a herbal doctor from China. He is also a crazy old wino who normally fights wasted. He uses the drunken style of boxing first made famous by Jackie Chan in the film, Drunken Master.
Positives: You can make him drink about 50 shots of dirty Chinese moonshine in one bout and his strength with actually increase. So he’s a resilient old coot.
Negatives: Considering how much booze this guy chugs down, it’s unlikely he will be around for much longer.
Gouken
Street Fighter
In the Street Fighter storyline, Gouken is the martial arts teacher of Ryu and Ken - who are probably the most legendary fighters in video game history. A pretty good pedigree huh? Well, unfortunately Gouken has never actually made an appearance in a Street Fighter game himself. The best he’s done is a brief appearance as an official Capcom action figure (pictured).
Positives: He trained Ryu and Ken – so he might be the ultimate martial arts master in the world.
Negatives: There’s an old saying: “Those who can - do. Those who can’t - teach”. Seeing as Gouken has actually never fought anyone, there is a strong possibility he's not very good. Maybe he is just a master of writing martial arts "how to" guides, but not that good at practicing them. Remember, Bruce Lee wrote his kung fu book when he was paralysed. It’s not that hard.
Shang Tsung
Mortal Kombat
Shang Tsung is by far the oldest of the “old guys”. His specific age is unknown, but he has been around for at least 1000 years, give or take a few days. He is a sorcerer, a demon, a shape shifter, and he shoots flaming skulls from his bare hands. Not bad for a retiree.
Positives: Shang Tsung can morph into anyone in the Mortal Kombat universe, making him the T-1000 of the MK series. If he wanted to, he could also play hilarious morphing pranks on other characters - much like the frat guys did in that stupid film Sorority Boys.
Negatives: He can get a bit sensitive about his age. In both MK2 and MK3 he seems to dye his hair black. You would think a demon would not care about such trivial matters:
Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat 3...and the winner is?
Well, it's not much of a competition is it? Most of these old bastards are either drunks or child abusers. I guess the ultimate battle would probably have to come down to Heihachi Mishima and Shang Tsung. Between them, they have appeared in a total of 18 fighting games, making them the most experienced of the lot.
But who would win? Personally, I would put my money on Shang Tsung. Not only is the man possibly the devil himself, but if things got really hairy, he could always just morph into Heihachi and kill him with his own lightening fists.
Plus if Shang Tsung wins, the match would probably end in a fatality. Which is always nice to show the kiddies.
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The seven weirdest ways to die in a video game
There's no point in denying it: killing things in video games is cool. Gamers know it. Game developers know it. That's why so much creative energy is put into designing the most spectacular, ridiculous and gruesome death scenes possible.
But all this death in video games is getting a little clichéd. Guns, explosions, decapitations... sure they are fun, but we've seen it all before. How many times have you witnessed a zombie's head explode from a sawn-off shotgun blast, only to see his headless body move three steps forward and collapse? Too many times, I'm afraid.
This list was created to honour those games that do something a little different. Not necessarily the bloodiest deaths. Not necessarily the most creative deaths. Just the weirdest deaths ever seen in video games...No.7 - Wonder Boy
Death by RockStarting off our list is the 1986 Sega platformer, Wonder Boy. In this game, you play a slightly camp looking Tony Hawk wannabe who is off to rescue his girlfriend (what else could an 80's game hero possibly be doing?). Over the course of your adventure, you come across all manner of beasts and nasties. But one of your first challenges, at the very start of the game, is this:No.6 - Leisure Suit Larry
Yes, it's a rock. Not even a very large rock either. Just a small, stationary, inanimate pebble. But don't get cocky now. This rock can kill. Observe:
Wonder Boy approaches the rock.
The rock kills Wonder Boy.
It's certainly a strange death. At least to the naked eye, the rock seems to stay completely stationary. All Wonder Boy does is touch it. But something more must be going on, as this rock is one relentless killing machine.
Either that, or this rock is the lamest and most uncreative "baddie" to ever appear in a video game.
Death by STD
Leisure Suit Larry is another 1986 classic, but of a very different gaming ilk. As Larry, you play a sleazy virgin dude who just wants to get his rocks off. But living the life of a pick-up stud isn't all fun and games. If you don't play it safe, you can end up with some nasty downstairs surprises. Observe:
Larry approaches a dirty, diseased, and quite pixellated prostitute.
The two get down to business, but Larry can't shake the feeling that he's forgotten something very important.
Larry wakes up like this.
What Larry has just done is have sex with a prostitute without using a condom. His punishment is an unnamed STD that makes his crotch flash bright colours. As the text on the screen happily informs you: "It appears the hooker gave you a little more than you bargained for!".
Larry dies about five seconds later.
This death makes the weird list simply because it's a bit too realistic for a video game. Sure, the death occurs in seconds, and features flashing bright green private parts, but it's still a way we could all get into trouble.
This "safe sex" warning is also a very strange safety message for a game. How many racers do you see encouraging seatbelts? How many shooters feature guns with safety switches? How many beat 'em ups warn you about the dangers of eating food that has been lying on a dirty street?
Who would have thought Leisure Suit Larry would have had a redeeming moral message.No.5 - The Sims
Death by Starvation
This death is possibly the most evil and degrading death scene ever created. The Sims is supposed to be a family game. You feed, clothe and entertain people... and do other boring, girly stuff like that.
But if you feel the need, it's also possible to murder your sims in the cruelest of ways: by starvation.
To do this, you need to place one of your sims inside an empty room, and then remove the door. You then sit back, relax, and watch the slow and morbid process of human disintegration take place right before your eyes.
Your sim will squirm in agony, plead for help, and will probably even pee himself. Eventually he will clutch his stomach, beg one last time for your mercy, and then die in a most horrible fashion:
The entire dying process takes about four days. And to think The Sims is one of the highest selling, "family friendly" games out there. Makes Postal look like a little-girl's tea party.No.4 - Theme Park
Death by Rollercoaster
Theme Park is also supposed to be a light-hearted, family-friendly game. It's about building a theme park and making little children happy. Or so you thought...
But it's also possible to kill the kids at your park. The first step is to build a stupidly dangerous rollercoaster - one that would make even Evil Kinevel shit his pants (yes, even after he's dead). A rollercoaster with at least six dangerous drops like this should do:
If everything is done correctly, then the kids on your rollercoaster will just fly off into the air, never be seen again. Like this poor chap:
What makes this death even more bizarre is that your rollercoaster carriages will return to the start of the track with no passengers, and yet no-one seems to care. The kids will still queue to get on, oblivious to the fact they are only minutes away from death.
Weird serial killers should take note of this: you could easily kill thousands of kids a year using this practice.
A little disturbing hey? Actually, come to think of it, both Theme Park and The Sims were made by Electronic Arts. There seems to be a pattern emerging here.No.3 - Mortal Kombat TrilogyMortal Kombat has a well-earned reputation for pushing the boundaries of creativity when it comes to killing people. The series has a lot to offer: fatalities, friendships, babalities, animalities… but one death takes the cake: MKT's brutality.
Death by Brutality
This death requires a 10 hit button combination. The result is that your opponent explodes with a pink burst of blood. Doesn't sound that strange? Well, the weirdness is not in the manner of death, but what comes after it: an explosion of gore that often includes three skulls, four rib cages, and at least twelve limbs. Just check out this carnage:
One man cannot produce that many bones. Not even a Siamese twin could produce that many bones. I guess that's why the brutality is so brutal - it's death at its most physically impossible (to see the brutality in action, click here).No.2 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Death by Purple Dildo
This death really needs no explanation. In GTA: San Andreas, you can kill people using this 12-incher as a weapon:
It's weird. What more can I say?No.1 - Space Quest III
Death by... Sharp Metal Sheet?
And so we reach the weirdest death to ever appear in a video game. The honours go to the 1989 text-based adventure, Space Quest III. The weird thing about this death is that it literally makes no sense whatsoever. And for that reason, it's legendary.
The game starts off with the main character emerging from a crashed space ship. To the right of screen lies a grey metal sheet. There doesn't seem to be much else for your character to do, so most players will initially go and examine the strange metal sheet. But then this happens:
Confused? So is everybody else who has ever played this game. The following text appears on the screen soon after you die to offer some kind of explanation: "It's obvious that the metal sheet was sharper than you".
Well, that's certainly open to debate. To me, the sheet looks quite blunt really. What's more, your character never even touches it. And the sheet somehow manages to cut you in the stomach, almost slicing you in half, without even moving.
What kind of crazy, psychotic metal sheet is this? It remains one of gaming's biggest mysteries.
It's also a weird, weird, weird way to die. And a weird death that is hard to top.
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MMORPG Outrage: Age of Conan gives players a breast reduction
Sordid sex stories are the bread and butter of entertainment journalism. It’s what celebrity tabloids thrive on.
In videogames, however, sex controversies don’t seem to pop up that much. Aside from your occasional hot coffee debate, there really isn’t much going on out there. It's assumed most game players don’t have girlfriends (if they did, why would they be up all night questioning the sexuality of “newbie” players in Counterstrike?) and so the topic is rarely written about...
Until now. Killscreen Poetry, being the sordid publication that it is, has decided to lift the lid on what is possibly the biggest sex controversy to ever hit the MMORPG world.
According to gamers on this forum, the developers of Age of Conan, an online MMORPG, recently decided to place limits on the size of its female characters’ breasts. That’s right. LIMITS (I can already hear 14-year-old male readers groan in hormonal anger).
Until a couple of days ago, Age of Conan players allegedly had the ability – some are now terming it the “right” – to select the breast size of their female avatars. This ranged from small sizes, to the stupidly huge, Dead or Alive sizes of endowment I like to call “boobage elephantitis”.
As of a few days ago, however, players can now only select a small, some would say “more realistic”, breast size.
Follow these links to see the alleged evidence: before and after shots.
Suffice to say, it has sent the Age of Conan forums aflame with controversy. Some players are calling it an outrage. Some are even threatening to quit the game altogether – and, I assume, join MMORPGs where a players’ need for female characters with back-breaking frontage is respected.
It’s shaping up to be the biggest controversy the video game world has seen since the Night Trap Senate enquiry. Hell, it could even possibly trump the Monica Lewinsky scandal if it gets enough momentum.
Of course, most of the angry gamers have glossed over the fact that it’s only male players, with female avatars, who seem to be complaining – raising a number of concerning and gender bending questions.
It also seems that, from most reports, the original breast size of Age of Conan’s female characters didn’t even fit into their armour, so a reduction was probably necessary.
Still, the changes now mean that any single, lonely Age of Conan player, who’s just burned through an 18 hour marathon session, and is all jittery and crazy from HP-PTSD (hit point post traumatic stress disorder), and the only thing he needs to recover is just a quick glimpse of a poorly rendered female Elf character with a size 84F cup.... well, he isn’t going to have that opportunity anymore.
And, readers, such an image just tugs on the heartstrings a little too much. Bring on a petition I say. Let’s fight this.
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